Being in the Moment

Check out the whole series so far on Medium.

I haven’t blogged in a week because I was really living in the moment each day, focusing on my commitment to the free mindfulness course, which trickled out into my daily life with work and family. It seems like a subtle shift, but when I am working with a student or client, I am really there, connecting with him or her. If I’m with my kids or husband, it’s the same thing; being there, hearing their voices and engaging in what they are saying.

Like week 1, week 2 revolved around a daily commitment to both a formal and informal mindfulness exercise and to log both experiences. The formal was to continue with week one’s body scan meditation but alternate it with another meditation called the sitting meditation. The informal was to notice how we experience and process pleasant events.

I honestly wish I could just keep doing week 2 and not move on from it because it is providing me with these very grounding and positive elements of my life that require no purchasing and no evaluating. Especially the informal exercise of how we experience pleasure. One that I logged was from early in the week when I found myself crying and hugging my daughter in a spontaneous moment of realizing that she is now taller than me and, thus, growing up. This moment occurred as we were rushing around the super market and hurrying out to the car with the cart, my daughter ahead of me, almost at the car, when I noticed a baby and her father. The baby beamed at me and I said something that I used to hear over and over when my girls were little, “She’s so beautiful…Savor the moment! It will go by so fast.” The father nodded and let me know that this was “number three” so he knew exactly what I meant. By the time I reached the car, my daughter was impatiently waiting for me, but I was already crying. I grabbed her into a hug, and she let me, she even soothed, “It’s okay, Mom” even though I don’t think she knew exactly what my tears were for. That moment of releasing the tears and hugging her was such a rush of pleasure and contentment, and I don’t think I would have been able to fully rest into that moment had I not been doing these exercises all week. Just like what happened this weekend, with the kids being home on Friday for a PD day from school and my youngest and I having some time by ourselves. The weather was summery, and so we went outside, did some basketball, our own version of tennis (see the pic above), and some wiffleball. Running and laughing with her was perfection…and something I’m not sure I would have slowed down enough to even think of doing just two weeks ago. My stomach muscles felt worked in a familiar way—that bellyache you get from laughing too hard. When I logged that moment, I wrote, “I had forgotten how good that feeling is.”

I had other moments I recorded and the feeling I had each time the actual sensation in my body was described each time as “a rush” or “relief” or “warm” or “connected” or “fulfilled” and these were all moments I had with others, co-workers, children, spouse, and even by myself—during a meditation where the window was open and the breeze was brushing against my hands.   

So, it’s no wonder that for this week, I really looked forward to the exercises—based on everything so far, they made me feel good! What I also notice, as I look back on week 2, is that I’ve managed to embed the mindfulness practices into my daily routine so that even when it was a day that was so full I couldn’t fit in meditation until the end of the day, I still wanted to do it; it wasn’t a chore. One day, I came home from work and everyone was out at an activity so I just went right into my bed room, stretched out on the floor and did a ten-minute body scan. I was interrupted when my husband came barging in, but I just told him I needed 10 minutes and I started again. I think because I told my whole family that this was a commitment I was doing for the next 8 weeks, I have been able to make it a priority…but not in a rigid or perfectionist way. The gift of this practice is that it has allowed me to learn how to be flexible and realistic in my expectations of myself and others. I allowed myself to kind of “rest” into mindfulness instead of, as I call it, “trying to get the A” (i.e., be perfect). So, if that meant not meditating at the same time every day but rather allowing myself the freedom and self-trust fit it into the day as it unfolded, then so be it.

Some other ways in which I “rested” into the mindfulness are that I decided that meditation works best for me if it is between 10 and 15 minutes as opposed to 30. I also realized that guided meditations are fine if the voice feels soothing and doesn’t distract me from the actual mediation. So, what I did was find some alternatives to the mediations that are utilized in the course. I used this for the body scan meditation and I used a script that I tailored to my own needs for the sitting meditation. I also allowed myself a day off this week, and I am allowing myself to do week two for a few more days this week…mainly because of Mother Nature who decided to surprise New England with a bit of a Nor’easter that has rendered us without power. I type this in the candle light as my girls play Uno for the millionth time saying, “It’s like old fashion times!”

As we set off into this old fashion evening, with candlelight and flashlights (yes, and the winking and blinking of iPads and laptops), I wonder if I will begin week three or let myself linger in the loveliness of week 2 a little longer…

Mindfulness: Hold Your Pain Like a Baby

I've practiced sitting meditation for years, and it was only when I committed to using HeadSpace for almost a full year, that I discovered why people meditate regularly—it really changes the way you deal and perceive generalized anxiety. For me, it helped me with the skill that I call making space or "holding pain like a baby".

The concept of making space first came to me from a therapist I had over 10 years ago. He was also the first person to introduce me to ACT, a type of therapy that is a little more philosophical and deeper than CBT. It is some really heady stuff but what I liked about this therapist is that he boiled down the concepts to two major points that I have used ever since: The first, I have written about previously, which is a concept I call "walking towards your values". This is the idea that when faced with a lot of anxiety about a decision, you choose the thing that is in line with what you value, in your core. So, if you are trying to decide if you should continue to have a relationship with your father even though it is fraught with misunderstanding and poor communication you have to ask yourself what do I value in this situation? Do I value my relationship, even though it is difficult, with my father more than I value not having him in my life? If the answer is that you value the relationship more, then you can begin to figure out how to walk towards that value you in the least distressing way, in a way that doesn't then infringe on the value you have about your own well being or mental health. So that could mean I will maintain a relationship with my father but one with boundaries (ie. I will call on holidays and birthdays and visit once or twice a year).  Walking towards your values has helped me make a lot of very big decisions in my life, around work and home-life, decisions that I can look back on and feel very good about, even though, in the moment working through the kinks of the decision may have been painful. In the example with the father, creating those boundaries can be emotionally difficult as unnecessary and unwarranted guilt may rise up...now here is where the making space or holding your pain like a baby comes into play. That guilt that you feel isn't due to actually having done something wrong or immoral, which is what guilt is for (and we misuse the term all the time for when what we really feel is simply bad about something). So this guilt is simply just emotional discomfort or even pain and therefore there is nothing to "do" with it...except let it be...allow...our tendency is to struggle with emotional pain—try to avoid or get rid of it. Instead, ACT (and Mindfulness) invites us to DO NOTHING and I think of this as hold the pain like you would a baby—with care, support, gentleness, and love.

The sitting meditation is an opportunity for us to do just that: as feelings of discomfort arise, hold it and be with it, as you would a tiny baby.

Today, I am spending it off from work and simply doing the Mindfulness homework (which I can incorporate with the chores and tasks of the day). As I notice both the pleasant experiences and log them, I allow also for any discomfort and I don't do anything but treat it with care and kindness. It reduces struggle and, best of all, anxiety.

This is not a cure-all. It's a way to live with, and not against, the mental stuff we all deal with at various times of the day.

In that, my pleasant experiences are these tiny moments where I have rested into Mindfulness, whether it's noticing the breeze coming in through the window of my office and how it softly brushes my arms or kissing my daughters good morning and noticing how soft and still-newish their skin is.

So far, this course is giving me much more than I hope or expected...probably because I just went in with an open heart.

     

Mindfulness and STRESS!

Yesterday my morning walk was distracted. I have some external stressors happening in my life...the kind of stressors that are not within my control, or at least not within as much control as I would like. Those type of stressors are always within the domains of family and work—what else is there in life that can cause a feeling within you of absolute powerlessness at times? When things that were seemingly going along well, all of the sudden—or so it seems—flip all upside down and you are left with WHAT THE HELL????

So, with this in mind, you can understand why taking this course is perfect timing in my life! It is also perfect that this mindfulness course I'm taking requires that you note and record one informal mindfulness exercise every day—whether it is eating something mindfully or taking a walk mindfully or even something as simple as sitting next to your adorable purring cat mindfully.

So far, I seem to be doing my informal exercise on my daily morning walk. Yesterday morning, with all that is happening around me (those external stressors), I was pretty distracted on this walk, though not in an anxious way but more of a energized and let's-get-on-with-it way. Today, I felt more present on my walk and was able to really be mindful—take in the vibrant colors of the foliage, smell the sweet and pungent air of fall, and feel grounded in the strength of my stride as I walked (and the slight creaking of my hips!).

During my morning walks I always listen to talk radio (I know, probably not the most zen thing but everyone gets there zen in different ways—no judgment, right?) so for this mindfulness course, I am shutting off the show for about 3 minutes and intentionally noticing the space and scenery around me. Because of this time of the year, I noticed the leaves immediately. Yesterday I observed how different they are when not soggy from the rain, that they curl up more when dry. Today I noticed one tree with all maroon leaves and how the marron was actually made up of two different leaves with two different shades of the color.

Yesterday I also did the other daily assignment in the course, the body scan but this time I researched for another one that might be a little shorter. Check it out here. This one was soothing and quick. Exactly what I need in my life right now!!

Fall is about transitioning into a more internal state of winter and it seems to me that this particular fall has been filled with a lot of external challenges and obstacles in the path of change. Utilizing mindfulness, I can be in the moment and get brief periods of rest. Instead of riding the What If train, I float on the What Is boat!

To read about day 7, click here. 

Mindfulness: FAILURE

Yesterday I attempted the body scan meditation again but with a different guided audio and... SUCCESS! What I mean is, I was able to do it without wanting to jump out of my skin, which was what I felt with the previous guided body scan because the guy's voice was HIDEOUS! Instead, I used this audio, which has the soothing sounds of Mindfulness guru John Kabat-Zinn.

Now my one critique of this mediation, in general, is that it is WAYYYYYY too long for folks like me whose temperament is more  high energy/anxiety. I need a meditation that is engaging (mindful) yet not more than 25 minutes MAX. This ran 29 minutes. I stopped at 25.

What I am beginning to see and understand about myself is that I carry perfectionism into all areas of my life, to a detriment. I was judging myself and also arguing with myself internally for not "doing it right", meaning...when I did this yesterday, I was at work and couldn't exactly sprawl out on the floor of my tiny office, so I sat back in my chair. The body scan directions state that you should recline...so I got all over myself about that. The arguing part was me yelling at myself that this was "Probably a waste and how many times have you attempted to create a lasting meditation practice?" and "You just suck at this!" and on and on. The antidote to this was...mindfulness. Meaning, I noticed what I was doing to myself, and I didn't try to reason back, necessarily, but more "note", which is something I learned in my own studies of mindfulness over the years. I've practiced noting throughout my journey with chronic anxiety, and it always brings peace and helps me to let go of that which I cannot control, mainly where my messy and creative mind can wander. I also argued with myself about stopping at the 25 minute mark...what happened was I naturally felt "done". The mediation guided me to scan and breathe into all parts of my body so when I reached the last part, I opened my eyes and was done...but the audio kept going, so I automatically was like, "Loser! You can't even finish this or be patient enough to listen for another few minutes."

I am SOOOOOOO MEAN to myself and it's ANNOYING, ALREADY!!!! I'm 4 effing 2. This needs to friggin stop....

However, what mindfulness is trying to show me is that I can NOTE and OBSERVE that I do this to myself and in that noticing, I can create space and step back from the judging and yelling and see it for what it is, which is simply my fight or flight bullshit I automatically do because of my anxiety temperament. I'm just trying to protect myself against what I perceive is the enemy and that is: failure.

What I have to remind myself of is that failure isn't the enemy. Failure is the teacher, the tutor, the education....it contains critical information about what I really value.

What I value and what all my many, many failures have taught me is that I am a seeker and a doer and as long as I am seeking and doing, I am fulfilling my purpose.

Right now, I'm at the top of a mountain...a place I was 7 years ago, though that was a different mountain; it was a mountain of a life dream achieved. I had completed my MFA and a collection of short stories that were the creative result of the pain I went through in high school.

Now, I've climbed another mountain and achieved my other life dream of becoming a licensed pychotherapist, and the bonus of this moment is that my own mental health journey is about to be published in an essay I wrote for OC87 Diaries...bittersweet.

You would think that my anxiety right now was nil. Gone. Nada.

And you would be very wrong. I'm having tremendous anxiety about—you guessed it—failing.

When you are at the top of the mountain, you have nowhere to go but back down...and I fear that.

My hope is that mindfulness will keep me in this moment, however difficult it is, but that if I am present I can stop worrying about "What if I fail?".

Read Days 5 and 6, here.

Mindfulness Training

I've signed up, informally, for a free 8-week course in Mindfulness. In order to keep myself on track, I will be blogging the experience here...the good, the bad, and the I-can't-do-this-shit. 

If you'd like to join me, click here for the course. 

I've downloaded and assembled the workbook and watched the required videos for week 1, commencing with an exercise of mindfully eating a raisin, which I didn't have in my pantry so I cut up a date into very tiny pieces. It worked, sort of. The exercise actually depressed me because he takes you through a sensory experience, which includes thinking about the life and death of the raisin (he uses the word umbilical cord to describe the part of the raisin where you can see a teeny tiny stem from when it was a grape). He also talks about the laborers who picked and dried the raisin...then he invites you to eat it slowly...

So far though, I’m into this and only dreading the silence and boredom of meditating…I’ve tried for years to commit to a meditation practice only to wind up bored out of my mind…or continually interrupted, as I am right now, by my children and/or cat. 

I have to sign off now. The cat is sitting on my lap top and the oldest child has entered my office in her unicorn pajamas. 

Stay tuned for my adventures in Mindfulness.