Maddie, Me, and Mental Meltdowns

Originally published on October 19th, 2018 here.

The main character in my newly published novel, Till It Stops Beating, Maddie Hickman age 17, has an anxiety disorder. I, Hannah Goodman age 43, have an anxiety disorder. In the book, it's Maddie's senior year of high school and just a few chapters in, she has a "mental meltdown" as she refers to it. In my senior year of high school, only two months into the school year, I, too, had a mental meltdown.

Though my life and my senior year inspired Till It Stops Beating, the parallels between Maddie's life and mine begin and end with her anxiety disorder.

Maddie and I are different not only in terms of the events of our lives—and you will have to read the book to find out more about that—but also in one particularly significant way: she doesn't carry the burden of shame that I did about having an anxiety disorder. Her friends, family, boyfriend (s), and teachers know she is struggling with anxiety. While, for me, when I had my meltdown senior year, I didn't tell anyone. It's not that I denied it or confirmed it, it just wasn't discussed. I got the proper treatment, and my parents were hugely instrumental in my recovery (like Maddie's parents are). However, my parents didn't widen the circle beyond our immediate family and friends. I also always felt self-conscious about my anxiety, and when I would tell someone, I feared rejection and judgment. 

Maddie is growing up in a different time period where anxiety and depression are discussed widely in the media, in schools, and even in the workplace. So, it felt natural and comfortable to portray her experience differently from mine.

When Maddie has her first major panic attack in the novel, her parents label it immediately as such and quickly set out to get her some help. She balks a little at telling her friends and at going back into therapy, but these things are not a big deal and not the focus of the entire novel. In fact, that first panic attack scene, while it is a serious moment, it's also intentionally funny. Maddie describes feeling like she is dying but also like an upside-down crab writhing in confusion. On the other hand, my first major panic attack involved a midnight trip to the ER followed by my mother giving me valium for the next few days while I refused to leave my room. Though ultimately both Maddie and I got the proper treatment, the difference is that during her senior year, Maddie lives her life while having anxiety, and for my senior year I spent a lot of time living my life while trying to hide my anxiety (and failing for the most part).

Interestingly, Maddie's ability to live her life with anxiety and not trying to hide it has been inspirational to me now as an adult.

Back in early 2016, my writing career was at an all-time low after parting ways with my second agent. I was embarrassed and filled with shame, which only triggered my then-dormant anxiety disorder. As I began to struggle with symptoms that I hadn't felt in decades, I did what any writer does when they feel like a mess, I wrote about it.

In late 2016, with truly nothing to lose anymore, I submitted those writings to a number of mental health publications. Success! Several of those pieces got published (and another is forthcoming in January 2019!).

Maddie inspired me throughout this whole ordeal. I really thought to myself WWMD? And what would she do as an adult if all this had happened to her (and it might because she wants to be a writer when she grows up!).  In TISB, she writes a book, drives across the country and makes major life decisions about her future, all while struggle with debilitating anxiety, and when she does collapse into a writhing upside-down crab, she flips over and keeps going. Whatever shame or embarrassment she feels, it's doesn't cripple her. 

So, when my agent and I parted ways and it looked like my writing career was dead before take-off, I too collapsed into an upside writing crab…but I channeled Maddie, and I flipped over, dusted off the embarrassment and shame and continued to crawl along my way.

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Mindfulness: Relapse and Recovery

To be frank, I'm pretty sure I've got some major PMS happening this week, and today it seems to be slamming into the walls of my mind. Anxiety is up...worrying is all-encompassing. Moments of peace have come only from my daily mindfulness assignments. Today's morning walk and body scan meditation were the only moments were the buzz of my mind was faint...

As I went about my day, working with students, managing my kids, doing some various chores, while engaged in each actual task, my mind was happy and the mind-buzz far away. It's the in between moments...when the task is done and I must transition or wait to begin the next thing that the worry and anxiety rage up like flames of a hungry fire...and I try so hard to tamp those flames out, but I'm pretty sure that I am doing something wrong because it doesn't work. And, because I'm both a therapist and a patient of therapy, I do know that tamping on anxiety doesn't get rid of it because it isn't a real fire.

I'm in a hard core transition period of my life...it's been a long and drawn out one, starting with turning 37 when I decided to return to school. Prior to 37, I hadn't really had a major bout with my anxiety since my early twenties.

In 2014, I had a HUGE relapse with my anxiety and  it scared the absolute SHIT out of me. But I climbed out of it, and ultimately was in remission for almost 2 years when BAM! It returned. It's been back old-school style, circa 1992-1993, when I had my very first panic attack....a story that is about to be published by OC87 Recovery Diaries NEXT Wednesday (on my mother's 70th birthday, which, in and of itself, is kind of surreal. We lost my beloved grandmother just 6 weeks after she turned 70 and so that number is scary for me).

The good part, however, is this relapse hasn't been all bad. I can manage it...sometimes better than others! This is why during this period of time I love mindfulness activities. I don't have to TRY....that is, if I allow myself permission to really just fall into the mindfulness and allow myself to not try to do it right or perfectly. Mindfulness brings some relief.

Since this is about mindfulness I want to stop for a moment and pause as I am aware of how good it feels to allow my fingers to fly across the keyboard and express the thoughts that are rolling through my mind as they roll through without editing or deleting.

As I conclude this entry about my 7th day of the mindfulness course, I reflect on yesterday's walk and today's walk. I took a picture of the same spot, different days and these pictures really reflect how I have been feeling lately...calm and then stormy...calm when in my mindful practice or engrossed in a task and then stormy in the in between moments...

Mindfulness and STRESS!

Yesterday my morning walk was distracted. I have some external stressors happening in my life...the kind of stressors that are not within my control, or at least not within as much control as I would like. Those type of stressors are always within the domains of family and work—what else is there in life that can cause a feeling within you of absolute powerlessness at times? When things that were seemingly going along well, all of the sudden—or so it seems—flip all upside down and you are left with WHAT THE HELL????

So, with this in mind, you can understand why taking this course is perfect timing in my life! It is also perfect that this mindfulness course I'm taking requires that you note and record one informal mindfulness exercise every day—whether it is eating something mindfully or taking a walk mindfully or even something as simple as sitting next to your adorable purring cat mindfully.

So far, I seem to be doing my informal exercise on my daily morning walk. Yesterday morning, with all that is happening around me (those external stressors), I was pretty distracted on this walk, though not in an anxious way but more of a energized and let's-get-on-with-it way. Today, I felt more present on my walk and was able to really be mindful—take in the vibrant colors of the foliage, smell the sweet and pungent air of fall, and feel grounded in the strength of my stride as I walked (and the slight creaking of my hips!).

During my morning walks I always listen to talk radio (I know, probably not the most zen thing but everyone gets there zen in different ways—no judgment, right?) so for this mindfulness course, I am shutting off the show for about 3 minutes and intentionally noticing the space and scenery around me. Because of this time of the year, I noticed the leaves immediately. Yesterday I observed how different they are when not soggy from the rain, that they curl up more when dry. Today I noticed one tree with all maroon leaves and how the marron was actually made up of two different leaves with two different shades of the color.

Yesterday I also did the other daily assignment in the course, the body scan but this time I researched for another one that might be a little shorter. Check it out here. This one was soothing and quick. Exactly what I need in my life right now!!

Fall is about transitioning into a more internal state of winter and it seems to me that this particular fall has been filled with a lot of external challenges and obstacles in the path of change. Utilizing mindfulness, I can be in the moment and get brief periods of rest. Instead of riding the What If train, I float on the What Is boat!

To read about day 7, click here. 

Mindfulness: FAILURE

Yesterday I attempted the body scan meditation again but with a different guided audio and... SUCCESS! What I mean is, I was able to do it without wanting to jump out of my skin, which was what I felt with the previous guided body scan because the guy's voice was HIDEOUS! Instead, I used this audio, which has the soothing sounds of Mindfulness guru John Kabat-Zinn.

Now my one critique of this mediation, in general, is that it is WAYYYYYY too long for folks like me whose temperament is more  high energy/anxiety. I need a meditation that is engaging (mindful) yet not more than 25 minutes MAX. This ran 29 minutes. I stopped at 25.

What I am beginning to see and understand about myself is that I carry perfectionism into all areas of my life, to a detriment. I was judging myself and also arguing with myself internally for not "doing it right", meaning...when I did this yesterday, I was at work and couldn't exactly sprawl out on the floor of my tiny office, so I sat back in my chair. The body scan directions state that you should recline...so I got all over myself about that. The arguing part was me yelling at myself that this was "Probably a waste and how many times have you attempted to create a lasting meditation practice?" and "You just suck at this!" and on and on. The antidote to this was...mindfulness. Meaning, I noticed what I was doing to myself, and I didn't try to reason back, necessarily, but more "note", which is something I learned in my own studies of mindfulness over the years. I've practiced noting throughout my journey with chronic anxiety, and it always brings peace and helps me to let go of that which I cannot control, mainly where my messy and creative mind can wander. I also argued with myself about stopping at the 25 minute mark...what happened was I naturally felt "done". The mediation guided me to scan and breathe into all parts of my body so when I reached the last part, I opened my eyes and was done...but the audio kept going, so I automatically was like, "Loser! You can't even finish this or be patient enough to listen for another few minutes."

I am SOOOOOOO MEAN to myself and it's ANNOYING, ALREADY!!!! I'm 4 effing 2. This needs to friggin stop....

However, what mindfulness is trying to show me is that I can NOTE and OBSERVE that I do this to myself and in that noticing, I can create space and step back from the judging and yelling and see it for what it is, which is simply my fight or flight bullshit I automatically do because of my anxiety temperament. I'm just trying to protect myself against what I perceive is the enemy and that is: failure.

What I have to remind myself of is that failure isn't the enemy. Failure is the teacher, the tutor, the education....it contains critical information about what I really value.

What I value and what all my many, many failures have taught me is that I am a seeker and a doer and as long as I am seeking and doing, I am fulfilling my purpose.

Right now, I'm at the top of a mountain...a place I was 7 years ago, though that was a different mountain; it was a mountain of a life dream achieved. I had completed my MFA and a collection of short stories that were the creative result of the pain I went through in high school.

Now, I've climbed another mountain and achieved my other life dream of becoming a licensed pychotherapist, and the bonus of this moment is that my own mental health journey is about to be published in an essay I wrote for OC87 Diaries...bittersweet.

You would think that my anxiety right now was nil. Gone. Nada.

And you would be very wrong. I'm having tremendous anxiety about—you guessed it—failing.

When you are at the top of the mountain, you have nowhere to go but back down...and I fear that.

My hope is that mindfulness will keep me in this moment, however difficult it is, but that if I am present I can stop worrying about "What if I fail?".

Read Days 5 and 6, here.

May is for Mindfulness

April was a time for me of staying off social media and journaling—by hand!. This was my way of celebrating The Mighty’s Month of Kindness as part of their year of self-care for 2017. I managed to journal 25 out of 30 days of the month. A victory! It was very liberating and fulfilling to watch the pages fill with all my “stuff”. With each stroke of my pen, I was letting go of the fear and worries that were getting in my way on daily basis.

Speaking of fear and worry...

April was a really difficult month for me. Anxiety and depression seem to creep up and tap me on the shoulder when I least expected it, and though I tried to shrug them both off, they continued to tap, tap, tap until I finally turned around and said, “What do you guys want now?”

They wanted my attention, to say the least; they were like two scared, little girls who had been begging for their mom’s love and kindness, and I acted, at first, like a negligent “too busy” mother.

Pretty quickly, I’d say by the middle of the month, it became clear how much they needed a good strong hug from me and that they needed to be heard. So, I sat down and listened to what they had to say.

They told me how afraid they were about getting older, about the uncertainty that the passing of time brings, and about how they weren’t sure what was going to happen in the future. They kept throwing all these "what if" scenarios at me, seeking reassurance in ways I simply couldn't give, in ways that were virtually impossible. "What if", by definition, has no real answer or no real reassurance because it is the unknown, the uncertain. At first I kept asking my anxiety and depression what can I do? What do you want me to do about all this? And they just kept crying and asking to be hugged…so I held them and soothed them until they quieted and relaxed into my arms.

By the end of the month, I realized that they didn’t want or need me to fix or solve or work really hard at anything. They just wanted to be heard, supported, and validated. Ironically, they needed kindness and compassion, which were the themes of the month and are the things I give to my clients on a daily basis…so why was it so hard to give it to myself?

Fear. I feared that being too soft and loving with myself meant that I would somehow become a weak mess. I would lose control. When, in reality, by turning towards myself with loving kindness actually made me stronger, made me more in control over the things I truly have control over (my behavior) and let go of the things I don’t have control over (other people’s behavior and the passing of time).  

As the month of April began to wind down, I found myself seeking more mindful and spiritual approaches to coping with my anxious brain.

Me, at Acupuncture, working on my shen.

I made a silent promise to myself that for the month of May, I was going to practice true, in-the-moment Mindfulness.

So as I leave the month April behind, with its deep, spiritual and emotional struggles, I embrace May, with its promise of mindfulness and hope. Ironically, The Mighty has declared May as the month of Mindfulness, and I am embracing this commitment fully. 

My mindfulness practice for this month is very simple: 

1. Daily meditation

Ten minutes a day, using the Headspace App (which I really like!), I'm going to allow myself to be fully in the moment of doing nothing but being aware of sound, breath, and sensation.

2. Awareness of "What if" thinking

 

"What if" thinking typically indicates that I'm about to get pulled into a tornado (or quicksand, depending on which analogy works for you) of anxiety. What if I go crazy? What if fail my test? What if my kids get sick? What if this anxiety never ends? So, for this month, when my brain starts to “what if”, I'm taking a deep breath, stepping out of the tornado (or simply not flailing around in the quicksand so I can float to the top) and grounding myself into the precious present moment. Grounding myself could be as simple as focusing on my breath for a few moments or doing mindful activities like: doing yoga poses, grabbing my kids poster paint and doodling out my feelings, asking for a hug, walking barefoot on the wet grass, going for a bike ride, looking outside at the blooming trees, or taking a walk around the neighborhood.   

If you are reading this post and want to commit to mindfulness this month, post what you're going to do in the comments below. 

Click here for more on the month of  mindfulness.