May is for Mindfulness

April was a time for me of staying off social media and journaling—by hand!. This was my way of celebrating The Mighty’s Month of Kindness as part of their year of self-care for 2017. I managed to journal 25 out of 30 days of the month. A victory! It was very liberating and fulfilling to watch the pages fill with all my “stuff”. With each stroke of my pen, I was letting go of the fear and worries that were getting in my way on daily basis.

Speaking of fear and worry...

April was a really difficult month for me. Anxiety and depression seem to creep up and tap me on the shoulder when I least expected it, and though I tried to shrug them both off, they continued to tap, tap, tap until I finally turned around and said, “What do you guys want now?”

They wanted my attention, to say the least; they were like two scared, little girls who had been begging for their mom’s love and kindness, and I acted, at first, like a negligent “too busy” mother.

Pretty quickly, I’d say by the middle of the month, it became clear how much they needed a good strong hug from me and that they needed to be heard. So, I sat down and listened to what they had to say.

They told me how afraid they were about getting older, about the uncertainty that the passing of time brings, and about how they weren’t sure what was going to happen in the future. They kept throwing all these "what if" scenarios at me, seeking reassurance in ways I simply couldn't give, in ways that were virtually impossible. "What if", by definition, has no real answer or no real reassurance because it is the unknown, the uncertain. At first I kept asking my anxiety and depression what can I do? What do you want me to do about all this? And they just kept crying and asking to be hugged…so I held them and soothed them until they quieted and relaxed into my arms.

By the end of the month, I realized that they didn’t want or need me to fix or solve or work really hard at anything. They just wanted to be heard, supported, and validated. Ironically, they needed kindness and compassion, which were the themes of the month and are the things I give to my clients on a daily basis…so why was it so hard to give it to myself?

Fear. I feared that being too soft and loving with myself meant that I would somehow become a weak mess. I would lose control. When, in reality, by turning towards myself with loving kindness actually made me stronger, made me more in control over the things I truly have control over (my behavior) and let go of the things I don’t have control over (other people’s behavior and the passing of time).  

As the month of April began to wind down, I found myself seeking more mindful and spiritual approaches to coping with my anxious brain.

Me, at Acupuncture, working on my shen.

I made a silent promise to myself that for the month of May, I was going to practice true, in-the-moment Mindfulness.

So as I leave the month April behind, with its deep, spiritual and emotional struggles, I embrace May, with its promise of mindfulness and hope. Ironically, The Mighty has declared May as the month of Mindfulness, and I am embracing this commitment fully. 

My mindfulness practice for this month is very simple: 

1. Daily meditation

Ten minutes a day, using the Headspace App (which I really like!), I'm going to allow myself to be fully in the moment of doing nothing but being aware of sound, breath, and sensation.

2. Awareness of "What if" thinking

 

"What if" thinking typically indicates that I'm about to get pulled into a tornado (or quicksand, depending on which analogy works for you) of anxiety. What if I go crazy? What if fail my test? What if my kids get sick? What if this anxiety never ends? So, for this month, when my brain starts to “what if”, I'm taking a deep breath, stepping out of the tornado (or simply not flailing around in the quicksand so I can float to the top) and grounding myself into the precious present moment. Grounding myself could be as simple as focusing on my breath for a few moments or doing mindful activities like: doing yoga poses, grabbing my kids poster paint and doodling out my feelings, asking for a hug, walking barefoot on the wet grass, going for a bike ride, looking outside at the blooming trees, or taking a walk around the neighborhood.   

If you are reading this post and want to commit to mindfulness this month, post what you're going to do in the comments below. 

Click here for more on the month of  mindfulness.  

Tooting Your Own Horn (I just did. Now it's your turn.)

In my previous post, I shared that I was participating in The Mighty’s Monthly challenges for 2017, as they have declared this to be the year of Self-Care. Honestly, who doesn’t agree that 2017 has been mentally draining so far? And, it’s only March.

March is the Self Confidence challenge, and the first task is to identify your character strengths by taking the VIA (Values in Action) Survey of Character Strengths. The results of this test will inform you of what you may or may not already know about yourself. The second challenge is, once you obtain the results of the test, you will identify your top 5 strengths and then write examples of those traits.

This challenge is especially important for me, personally. Not too long ago I went through a bit of a stuck point with my own anxiety and depression. For a period of time, I had to slow down and really examine what I wanted my life to look like, and in so doing, examining my core values was essential; once I figured them out, I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in, which made making the necessary changes relatively easy. I wanted more time with my family, so, I adjusted my work schedule so that I was home more frequently after school with my children. That may sound like a small thing, but that little change had a profound effect on my mental well-being; when you walk toward your values, your struggles with anxiety and depression automatically lessen; because chances are the thing you are depressed or anxious about involves those core values.

Typically, discovering your core values is a process that occurs over time, and even once you identify them, it becomes another process of figuring out if you are living your life in a way that supports them. This is where a whole bunch of good exploring needs to happen in your journal or in your therapist’s office. As a professional in the field and as a client myself of therapy, this survey is the perfect place to begin.

Below are the results of my values survey—my top 5 strengths:

Zest, enthusiasm, and energy -

Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.

I think my whole life childhood through to now, in my 40s, I’ve received feedback that I am enthusiastic. Sometimes people have sounded annoyed and other times inspired. To me when my enthusiasm wans…I’m probably depressed. It’s kind of my default.

Curiosity and interest in the world -

You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.

This is another default-mode for me, and one that I think has carried me throughout my life. People’s stories have always held my curiosity. When I was a child, we would take the train to visit my grandmother in PA, and I would spend the whole time traipsing up and down the aisles, stopping to talk to anyone who appeared interesting (and who had yummy snacks). Later, as a college student, I studied journalism and was a terrible hard news reporter, but when it came to feature writing, I shined. From writing about the self-segregation in our college’s dining hall to interviewing the campus’s self-proclaimed next Rush Limbaugh, my curiosity led me all over the place and helped me discover more about the wider world. Now, as a counselor and therapist, my curiosity is probably what helps me ask those pointed questions that can help a client learn more about themselves.

Self-control and self-regulation -

You self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.

As a little kid and later as a teen, I definitely had some impulse control problems in a few different areas. The first part of high school I got fat through binge eating, and by the time I was a junior, that, coupled with my terrible grades, I pretty much hit bottom. I had to get a serious grip or my future was very uncertain. Being a self-help book junky, I knew that change had to come from within—nothing outside of me could make my life different. So, I got a grip and lost the weight and pulled my grades up. Once I tapped into this ability to be disciplined, I formed better habits like exercising every day and completing assignments early and being able to eat one piece of chocolate instead of a box. I definitely have self-control worked out, but it isn’t in a depriving way; it actually eases my anxiety to have the control. I also think that as we age, we get better at delayed gratification and patience…two things I really lacked as a younger person.

Industry, diligence, and perseverance -

You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

This is also a default button. When it comes to completing degrees or working on projects or cleaning my house, I definitely feel good when I stick things out until the very end, until completion. The times where that has gotten me in trouble is when something simply doesn’t work out, no matter how hard I try or how long I stick it out. This isn’t a problem in relationships—I seem to know when something is over—but when it comes to pursuing my career as an author, up until recently, I don’t think I knew how to stop and continuing to persevere was hurting me. Knowing when to stop has been equally as important as knowing how to persevere.

Social intelligence -

You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

From childhood to adulthood, I’ve never felt like I couldn’t find my place. I moved around as a little kid and never had trouble making friends. As a teenager, despite my own self-loathing and insecurities, I managed to easily move from one social group to another. Even now, as an adult, I go to my local coffee shop, and talk with everyone, even if I don’t know who they are. I think it’s because I can sense when someone is at ease or when they are uncomfortable and either way, I feel compelled to connect and I can adjust my engagement accordingly. It is certainly useful as a counselor and can help me when I’m not sure what to do—just meet the person where they are and everything else falls into place.    

Though I’m very uncomfortable sharing positive traits about myself and worry it may come across as total bullsh%t, at the same time, it’s good to really look at what I have to offer the world and that this offering is kind of effortless, which is really quite a relief!