Sunday, April 25, 2010

Pain, chronic

and if i spoke my truth what would it say?
and if I could hear my pain what would it say?
i have worked hard, so hard
harder and harder and harder still–
nothing new about that
except pain
and
loss
of words
expression
pain, more and more, as I type
pinch on the left at the joint of the elbow and forearm
pain–
pinch, burn
ache
deep
gun shot pain
worse than anything
than labour
no end result
no end
I see no end
and I cry
and I cry
I feel myself losing myself
like I did when I had Hyperemesis
the loss of self
the loss of me
who is positive
upbeat
funny
clear headed
multitasker
strong–
I am weak
I hurt
so vulnerable
losing so much of who I have built myself to be
writer
Nope.
can’t type, can’t write, so how am I a writer?
mom
not as much as I want to be
I can hug, I can encourage
but I can’t pick you up.
My focus is weakened by the pain
and I have been tackling it.
wait...
a warmth is in my elbows now not sure if it’s pain can’t tell the difference between–
oh
wait
there it is.
the pinch in the left elbow just as I think– there.
it pinches and pinches

it’s like everything every effort– with getting published with trying to make my business work–every effort is just literally met with a gun shot straight into the heart.

I have to stop because it hurts so much

I’m back
and even though i am losing, i keep trying
when does that character trait become something not commendable?

gun shot pain in both elbows, the right and left hinge
i cry and i cry and i try and try and i do what everyone says and, yet, i am worse and i don’t want to tell my family that because i know they are sick of my pain sick of my pain and so am i
i worry about the future and how how will i write my thesis for next semester and how will i hold my baby and how will i work and make a living what about when i finally surrender and let the pain eat me completely

am i a fighter out of stubbornness, out of defiance, out of rebellion, out of f- you i will show you, out of rejection, out of under dogness?

or am i just stupid and nothing can beat the hope out of me?

i have nothing left and i am running on faking it and i don’t know how much longer that will last

it scares me but i also know there’s nothing i can do about it, it just is

you can’t understand chronic pain until you are in it you can’t articulate it until you are in it and it hurts
the word hurt
look at the “u” part of it
its top is open and vulnerable and that’s where I am so open so unable to stop the pain

4 comments:

K. Oh said...

*hugs* I don't have any words of encouragement or advice, but know that my thoughts are with you right now...And I'm praying for strength and courage and a soothing, healing ease to your pain...

Joanne Carnevale said...

So sorry you are suffering. I can relate from having experienced long-term chronic pain. I know what you're talking about when you try to ignore it and keep on going only to be blindsided by tears you hadn't intended to cry. Wish I could help. Hopefully, there is some combination of heat, ice, and/or PT that will get you back to normal. Sending ((hugs)).

Anonymous said...

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Arlene said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with pain right now. What you wrote resonated with me, because you put into words how I feel when I have an arthritis flareup. (My "baby" is 26 years old, and I still rely on the old Lamaze breathing routines I learned back then to get through the roughest times. :)) Just wish I could send you a quick-fix cure-all tip. There are definitely (gentle) hugs and good thoughts going your way.