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Saturday, May 08, 2010

Surrender

Surrender

Nothing I thought might work is working.
This isn’t even working.
The words aren’t coming.
The words that did come don’t matter...

The pain is there no matter if I type or sit or drive or eat or sleep or bathe.
Can’t hold or rock or type or reach
without
the searing.
Tears fill my eyes
out of sadness for what could be
for
what might have been
for
“if only...”

Stopping
is
depressing.

So, I go on and reach and type and rock and hold and then later–
in the hot water where I don’t feel anything but warmth and the pain is muted–
I exhale.

I cry only in the car and when I write at a coffee shop. 
Or
in the middle of the night when everyone sleeps.

I cry at all I give up on.

I can’t even control myself here in this cafe
no one seems to notice
which is good.
I could say, “It’s just allergies.”
I fumble in my bag for tissues, but all I see is the heat wrap I carry for long bouts of writing.

One of the girls behind the counter–
long blond pony tail
runs out from behind the counter and hugs a young man who comes through the door which has a bell.
Tan, straight teeth, short hair.
They hug and sit down.
He chews gum. She leans back and twirls her hair.

***

In the car earlier, Chelsea sang every word of a Taylor Swift song that said something about the day being a fairytale and I
–of course–
cried.
She didn’t notice.

I realized I never dreamed of that  fairytale.
My fairytale was about NYC, agents, and editors...book signings...

But her fairytale, her hopes and dreams of being
a writer, a chef, a teacher, a fashion designer
are still possible
while mine
are
not.

Searing, aching, pinching. 
Stiffness
of the joints.
It’s time to let go. Stop holding on.
This is the irony of life that I always thought was just on paper:
All I thought I would be and do,
I will not.
I will drop my arms, I will stop clutching and pulling and twisting and gripping.

I will surrender.

3 comments:

Smithy said...

Ahhh. being right brain dominant makes for a hard life! I know... today I am teetering myself on the edge of what i call the black pit....instead of writing, which is usually the only tonic for this....

Ted Smith

Joanne Carnevale said...

Those words do matter, and I hope the surrender is only temporary. You need to lick your wounds, so to speak, and get past that awful arm pain. Take the pressure off yourself, finish your MFA, then return to that which you love and do so well. I hope that unfullfilled fairytale is only the pain talking and a new and happier chapter will yet be written when you become MFAed and pain-free. Lately I've struggled with it being too late for me now that I've only recently, and partially, figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Although I still try not to believe it, at my advanced age it might be true. You, however, have not made the mistakes I did during the formative years. I am confident that, for you, there is more to follow. Mazel tov!

Kathleen said...

Oh, Hannah this made me sad :-(. Hugs and Misses from Kansas.