So today is a beautiful September day as it was on 9/11/01, just five years ago. I am at a loss for words, for what to write. I can share with you (all 1 or 2 readers) what I feel. I feel sad, heavy, off, odd, murky. I listened to HS's rebroadcast, which I know he aired last year too and I went into it thinking oh, I won't get that upset and you know it is not upset but a dull thud of a pain inside and kind of an annoyance actually. I am annoyed that we are not all mourning today. I feel like it's is so fresh...that we are here but so many are not and we should mourn or have the space to....yet, banks and schools are open. I don't understand why. Is it the whole thing of if we stop then they have won? That's such bullshit. If we stop we have the space to feel...but then again, is that what the current administration wants...? Do they want us to feel? Are they afraid of the bottomless pain?
I am at my favorite local Starbuck's and the baristas and I have relationship like Norm had on the show Cheers with all the bar tenders. They know me my name my family and my favorite drink. So I saddled up to the bar and awaited my beverage and one of them, a very smart, articulate, sensative man said to my remark about my wish it were a day off fort he country, he replied something like I don't want to read the newspaper or see any of the footage again. I don't want to relive it. I just want to move on and be happy.
I don't know what I said back but I know what I want to shout to the world:
How can we move on unless we mourn properly...properly just means giving space to mourn.
We, as a society, are so afraid of our thoughts and emotions. the Eastern world allows for human beings to "be", to feel, to exist, to sit next to and with our thoughts and feelings without trying to change or thwart or block or control or medicate them away. this is the thing we fail to understand in our society: just because you feel something or think something does not mean you have to act on it or that it is true. WE can feel fearful and frightened and sad about 9/11, but we can still get up and do our day and live our lives. Feelings and thoughts are not all the same or carry the same weight, you know? It's like my barista is afraid that if he thinks or feels or sees something that makes him think or feel, something might "happen". No, I argue back at that with this: allow yourself to feel and think whatever you want but it is what actions you do how you live your life that count. So you feel sad and mournful about 9/11 because you see a terrible image on TV that reminds you of that terrible day....so feel the feelings and then get up and do your life.
Am I making any sense?